Deaf dating tips!

As Valentines is approaching, I will be writing some Valentine themed posts to raise deaf awareness. 

This blog is helpful for both a deaf individual and a hearing individual. 

There are few hearing individuals who date deaf individuals, this could be due to lack of confidence in terms of communication, communication barriers and many more reasons ranging from bizarre to understandable. 

The aim of this blog post is to deliver tips on how to boost one's confidence, whether they are deaf and unfamiliar to the dating scene, or hearing, and perhaps may want to approach a deaf individual, whether it is friendship or more... 

1. HONESTY is key. It is important to be upfront on the first date. If you have met the guy or girl and somehow your hair covers your ears and they are unaware of your hearing loss/aids/implant, it is ideal to tell them up front straight away. If you are concerned about rejection, it is their loss. Please note: You do not have a problem, instead THEY DO. You're brilliant!

2. APPROACH. If you are slightly nervous about how your date might react, whether this is the first time you're 'coming out' with your deafness or whether you're simply scared of rejection. Put on a brave face. Be positive. Perhaps make a joke out of it. You may find that your date may relax a bit more! If you are tense and nervous, it will create an awkward situation. Of course the date may feel awkward in general. But you could break the ice by cracking a joke. 'Hey, I'm deaf but who cares eh?!" Or "I've got the hearing of a pensioner, but fear not, I have other qualities and strengths apart from hearing.... give me time to get back to you..!"

Any kind of joke like that! It will show how laid back you are and it will make your date relaxed.

My joke was "I'm not staring at your lips lovingly, just lipreading, so get over yourself!" Turns out we share the same sense of humour! 

3. LOCATION. If this is the first date. It would be recommended to choose a location where there is as little background noise as possible. First date nerves are normal. But for a deaf individual this can be daunting as they are not only worrying about their appearance, whether the date is successful, awkward silences and whatnot. 

The conversation is part of the deal breaker and if they are unable to communicate effectively, this can be quite nerve wracking! Perhaps over time (if the dates are successful) the deaf individual may begin to familiarise themselves with their partners lips (and NO, I'm not talking about that! Well I'm sure you'll have a kiss or two! But instead, lipreading! Hahaha!)

4. LIPREADING. It is important to make sure that one is always in view of the lip reader. Always consider whether the lighting is adequate to enable effective lipreading. Please please PLEASE try to break the habit of covering your mouth or placing anything in front of your mouth when talking (cup, cutlery, etc.) 

A tip for hearing people. It is normal to feel nervous when interacting with a deaf individual for many reasons. You may think: 

How deaf is he/she?

Do I need to shout?

I don't want to upset him/her.

How do I ask about his/her hearing loss?

Am I aloud to look at his/her hearing aids, or am I staring too much? 

What do I do if he/she doesn't hear me?!

How else do I communicate if it is too noisy?!

What if my hearing friends don't accept him/her?

How can I include him/her in my friendship circle?

There are many different thoughts that one may come across.

If you're worried that he/she may be sensitive about the subject regarding his/her deafness think about how you are phrasing the question:

E.g. "Would you mind if I asked you a question about you're deafness? I'm really interested and would love to learn more! 

My boyfriend simply asked me "how deaf are you?" I laughed and said "pretty deaf but not deaf deaf!" After that, he felt comfortable asking me more questions ! 

If you are curious about their hearing aids or implant, show interest and ask if you can have a look! "Do you wear hearing aids or an implant? Could I have a look? I'm interested to see how they work!" 

With regards to communicating when it's noisy. There are many ways around it. Other than the old fashioned note pad and pen, we are in a modern technological era where we can type messages on our phones. Trust me, it helps! 

If you're interested in other ways to communicate. Perhaps try finger spelling together and then learn simple sign phrases. Try not to get visually frustrated otherwise that can make you look unreasonable sometimes. We cannot help it! PATIENCE. Is key! Nothing is impossible the word possible is in the word itself! You will find your own ways round things! 

If you're ready to introduce your date to your friends or family. Inform them in advance and perhaps offer them advice and tips so they are prepared for the approach and there is no awkwardness. If your friends or family react badly or do not seem to accept your deaf date, don't give up! Give them time to learn about it and feel comfortable. Perhaps encourage them to ask questions and take an interest! 

There is someone out there for everyone! Wouldn't it be great if everyone could be open minded! Obviously my advice will never change everyone's attitudes towards deafness. But hopefully you'll all be a little more open minded! 

Any questions feel free to send me a message or a comment. 

For those who don't know. I'm severe-profoundly deaf and have a hearing boyfriend whom I have been together with for almost a year. These are my personal experiences and opinions.

The Undateables

I'm sure many of you are aware of the programme 'The Undateables' which is a programme broadcast in the UK (google it if you are unaware of it). 

I really think that the name of the show needs to be changed. People with disabilities or other differences are at risk of having low self esteem due to the cruel world with live in of not being accepted by everyone. I wish I could change all those people's ways of thinking so they can see they are normal, just like everyone else! Well, I don't think anyone is 'normal' and if they were, I'm sure they would be very boring! We're all different and if we were the same, the world would be a very boring place. 

This is why I disagree with the choice of the programme name. Just because those individuals are different, it doesn't make them 'Undateable'. I strongly disagree. Yes, an individual may have a facial disfigurement of some sort (I hope that's the correct terminology and apologise if it's not), or they might be deaf (like myself) or whatever! But it doesn't make them 'Undateable'. They may need support finding love (and some even succeed on the show which warms my heart), but the label is placed on those individuals which portrays them in a different way to the rest of us! Most of the people on there have low self esteem, or have had their self esteem knocked. Who is surprised?! I'm not, bless them. I know exactly how they feel. Fear of judgement, fear of misunderstanding etc. The programme title does not help at all with ones self esteem and confidence! 

If someone fails to find love and it doesn't work out, goodness knows what is going on in their heads! The rejection is bad enough for all of us. But being rejected on a programme which has labelled these people 'Undateable' is even worse! Most of the people on there are gutted. 

The programme is a great way to raise awareness of the varying conditions out there that people suffer from and I find this thoroughly interesting! If I didn't watch this programme, I wouldn't be aware of what 'Tourettes' is, and I wouldn't be so open minded as I am now  about these conditions and the effects it has on people! It is certainly a good way to make people understand and be more aware and less likely to make judgements. Although, I have certainly read and heard many comments about the people on there. They are certainly not something you would want to hear. It's terrible. I blame the title of the programme. It can encourage bullying from a view, but not a common cause.

One day a few years ago, I had never had a boyfriend due to hiding my hearing, lack of communication skills, being shy etc. Me and my best friend at the time, were watching the programme. She was aware of my deafness and my 'relationship status', and immediately said "Oh Goldy you should go on there!!" My response was "seriously?!". I always wondered if I would ever find a boyfriend and if I would ever be able to "come out" about my hearing loss and be confident.

 

A few years later I briefly dated a hearing guy (turned out to be an arsehole-excuse my language haha!) but still, it proved that it was possible for me to date like everyone else. Now, I have met someone wonderful who always lights up my life. He is hearing too. Stephen. My Prince Charming! 

Does my disability mean people have the right to classify me as 'Undateable'? 

No it doesn't. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE has a chance of meeting someone, whether it is a love interest or simply a friendship. Sometimes we need a little help to push us out there or perhaps a 'wingman'. But one thing I must make clear to all of you with disabilities or other conditions. You can do it! Don't let society label you as different or outcasts. Be proud of who you are and one day, someone will see through that and will see what wonderful people you are with a brilliant personality.

This reminded me of a blog comment I received from this 'lady' on Twitter who names herself @SpinGee. She commented on a blog post of mine and said to me along the lines of "you are not normal and you never will be". You may have read my explosive response. I have reported this 'lady' for harassment and bullying as I then received a string of comments (now deleted) from her refusing to apologise and kicking me down some more. Basically, she was being a BULLY, or simply an Internet 'troll'. Making me feel different. If you have the time, please report this poor excuse of a 'lady', as people like her should not be on Twitter. #banthetrolls

Love you guys! 

Feel free to comment (nice comments only please!) If you disagree, I will respect your opinion, just as you respect mine) 

I'm different, but I'm not 'Undateable'! 

'Normal' is boring! 

Trip to MacDonalds 'drive thru'

You may judge the title of this post and think "what the heck has this got to do with deaf awareness?!" 

Keep reading my friend, and you may agree with me on this one.

Well, after a tiring day back at Uni for my final semester (lip reading and straining to hear) I fancied a macdonalds! (Who doesn't?!) 

ANYWAY, after a few minutes of "Mum I'm hungry and tired" and "cor I fancy a macdonalds!" (Haha! I know! I sound like a child!), we decided to head over to macdonalds - only 5 minutes from the train station. I insisted we go through the 'drive thru' as its more efficient especially when there's no one in the queue! 

Mum did the talking in the speaker because OH MY GOD the clarity was appalling! I know I'm pretty deaf, but Mum (who has normal hearing) said it wasn't clear! For me it was just a 'crrrrshhhh' however you decribe it! 

Then I thought about it more... Why don't MacDonalds make their 'drive thru' accessible for all? Perhaps some visual screening? Or text or some sort, so we don't have to rely on hearing through the speaker with poor clarity. Why should we have to walk in and get our own food? It's unfair. The 'drive thru' (depending on how busy it is) is so much quicker. If you're quickly grabbing lunch, or breakfast, or dinner on your way to work or heading home. 

Not only McDonalds, but KFC and all the other fast food places with a 'drive thru'.

What do you guys think? 

What could be done?

Has anyone had any experiences? Good or bad?